Day Six

November 10, 2011

I didn't write yesterday and only did the Prayer once in the morning.

I had doubts and was feeling out of touch with my feelings and I didn't feel God near me. So it was very easy to get distracted and busy with earthly stuff.

I became doubtful about the direction my life is taking and about day-to-day matters like job and kids.

Sometimes I feel guided and I know I can trust my feelings. But sometimes I suddenly become afraid that following my heart is not the right thing. Or maybe I am just not sure what my heart is telling me? I guess I am sometimes afraid of the consequenses of the feelings in my heart and the difficulties in following what it tells me.

Must be that I don't trust. Because deep in my heart I know that I am supported, and choices taken from my heart are choices that will be supported, and I will be taken care of.

My life has become a really emotional life. I feel more and more close to my feelings and I find it difficult not to be honest about everything, especially how I feel. My emotions controls my life! It feels good because if feels like this is the real "me" and feelings and emotions are the key to my happy life. At the same time it is difficult in this world. Not many people take emotions seriously and most people do not find decisions based on emotions wise. But following your emotions, your heart is very wise - it feels true.

Being with friends can also be challenging. I want to meet them from my heart and talk about what is REALLY going on in their lives - I mean, how do they REALLY feel about their lives? But I often get disappointed, because that is not the kind of meeting most of my friends want.

I want to be with people who is truly interested in how I feel. People who will not give me advices to fix me or my life. Who listens to what I really want from my heart, even when it is not desirable or rational from their own point of view. I want people who wants the best for me when it comes to fulfill my souls longing.

Then I must admit that I am not honest with them. I am a pretender. I try to hold on to an old version of myself. I haven't told them about God. About My Great Experiment. No one I know believes in any version of God. Some of them can accept some kind of Universal Love and Guidance. An energy of Love, but not a real God, an entity you can have a relationship with. A creator of our souls and All that Is. It is also very difficult for me, but I feel I have come to a place, where I know this is True, but still need proofs. There are doubts still. A lot.

I no longer judge myself for not trusting and believing. I feel it is okay to take my time to develop my relationship with God. And the doubt is a part of my searching and also one of the things that keeps me Praying and Asking. We all have our Way.

I cannot explain why I want to know God and why I want to find out for myself IF He exists. I can talk about my longing, and people who know me well, know that I have had this longing for all my life. This longing has nothing to do with the "real" world or anything in it. Yes, I do want human love in my life, I really do, and it is really important for me to develop my capacities with this. And yes, I really appreciate all I got, my home, my family, living in a safe spot on earth. But all this does not make me REALLY happy.

Am I ungrateful then? I often feel that. Why am I not just happy with what I got? It is true, that I have everything, and much, much more than many other humans of this world. I am blessed. Am I being ungrateful to want more?

LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie