Day Five

November 8, 2011

Doing my evening Prayer yesterday immediately made me burst into tears. As soon as my intention was set on contacting God, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. It is a feeling of surrender and being really close to my heart and soul. From this place it is easy to talk to God. I cry my heart out to Him.

I feel there is nothing I cannot tell, no feelings He cannot understand. I feel loved no matter my imperfections, no matter all the times during the day where I haven't been the loving human I want to be. And this is very often. Meeting people and situations every day with my best intentions, but so many times I end up feeling very disappointed with myself.

I find it very hard. Every time I have been in such a situation I ask myself, what is it inside me, that triggers these emotions and reactions??

I very often go into my mind in these situations. I want to stay in my heart and act from there, but this "why" comes up, which is actually my mind wanting to take control. Out of fear of feeling my emotions. Rather than asking "why" it would be helpful to ask "what".

I often feel I am very different from other people. But I have always tried to fit in, to please everybody. I always felt wrong, that I needed to change, because obviously everybody else felt differently, so it seems that I belong to a minority.

Now it has been some years since I started to realize that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And for me to find my happiness I must just acknowlegde my emotions and stay true to my feelings. Until then I had desperately tried to change the way I felt and let my mind take control, leaving me very unhappy and depressed.

Spending many hours everyday in my own company has step by step made it possible for me to get to know my heart and making decisions according to my heart.

I love spending time alone but I do miss the company of others. I love to feel deeply connected to other people. I love the feeling of acceptance, curiousity, hearfelt interest between people. It is just not very often I have such meetings. And I get disappointed with myself for not being able to create such a meeting heart to heart. Often I find it easier to be by myself, but still I really long for company. I am not an island.

Yesterday I received "The Akashic Construct CD". This also starts out as a three weeks process, during which I will learn to contact my Spiritual Guides. I will write about my progress with this connection as well when time comes.

LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie