January 8, 2012

I haven't finished my entries from Day Eleven until now, they will come. I feel like posting my writings from today.

What is the difference of feeling encouraged and needing approval?

Yesterday I experienced both and yet I am not sure how to distinguish.

I received some lovely comments on my postings on my blog from two people who I feel are my friends even though they are strangers. I felt a deep love coming from these people and I felt encouraged to keep on writing and posting. Fear was dissolved and my heart expanded. It felt almost like joy, a feeling that an important part of me was recognized. A part burried and hidden. A touch of love. An eternal part was awaken and wanted to be seen. A part of my soul was jumping up and down, waving its hands, smiling, as if it has just been waiting for this moment to express itself, and doing so in such a gentle way. This part of me will never judge or push me. This part knows me very well.

I thank you people for your loving presence.

Later the same day I was with a friend. It was a meaningful meeting and I felt a different part of me met and understood. I liked that feeling of sharing stories. Like holding up a mirror making it possible to step aside for a while.

I wanted to be honest. I wanted to reveal something about myself. She is my friend and I felt it important to share this growing part of me even though it made me feel anxious.

I spoke about God and my desire to know Him. I stumbled across the words and I found myself trying to defend myself, feeling her surprise. Did she reject me? Or was it my own fear of not feeling approved?

In such situations I do not know if these feelings are my own projections, my own fear, or whether my friend really thinks that I am going crazy. I couldn't ask, I was too absorbed in my own fear of being judged and rejected.

Do I need others approval to continue my search? No, I feel not. But I fear loosing my friends and I fear letting go of the image I have of myself and the way people sees me. But I will go on and so it is good to feel encouraged by other people.

I don't know what lies beyond this. But I feel there will be more love - Love Without End.

LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie