Day Nine

November 15, 2011

It has been sixteen days since I started "My Great Experiment". I haven't been writing everyday which is why this is only my day Nine of the experiment. Every day I sit down with the intention to talk to God. And Immediately I feel like crying. A kind of sadness overwhelms me and I sit with these feelings and maybe God is with me too.

Three days ago I started using The Akashic Construct. I listen to this exercise every morning and then I sit with God and my journal. It is only about ten minutes of deep relaxation and a good preparation. After this exercise I feel relaxed and in a good state for writing.

I use hours every day to read about Divine Love. It feels true. It feels like it fills a place in my heart which has felt empty until now. At the same time there is doubts, questions and fears that keeps coming up. Many things contradicts my earlier beliefs but it doesn't make me want to look away, instead I want to read more to find answers to my questions.

This is just my new beginning.

Yesterday three books arrived in my mailbox. Again I must recommend A Spiritual Journey. Looking through the book recommendations and reviews I found these three books which I felt immediately attracted to:

"When I loved myself enough" by Kim McMillen
"The Choice" by Joseph Babinsky
"Love Without End" by Glenda Green

The first books title "When I loved myself enough" spoke directly to me. It stirs up a lot of stuff inside. I never loved myself enough. With this book I faced myself and my own self-hatred again. I see this as an opportunity to become aware of this unbalance.

Now it is difficult for me to admit that I hated myself. I even blame myself for this. But I also notice that I write in the past tense which means that I do not hate myself (that much) anymore. I always tried to make everybody happy. I wanted people to feel good about themselves. To love themselves.
I even think that most people who knows me will say I am a kind and loving person. And I might even have considered myself as such.

But some years ago I discovered a horrible truth about myself. I didn't love other people. I just wanted them to love me - no matter what. So I was just a great pretender trying to please everybody just to make them love me. During these years I realized that I couldn't love other people in an honest and unconditional way without loving myself first.

That was yet another scarry truth about myself. Not that it felt like a surprise to me that I did not love myself. I felt the horror of those feelings every single moment of my life.

The scarry thing about it was that to REALLY love other people I must love myself FIRST. Wow. That was scarRY and felt impossible.

My journey to love myself rises from this longing to love other humans. To love without limits. To love without conditions. The love that comforts. The love that surrounds everything. The love where you can rest and feel safe. The love that accepts every aspect of the human being. The love that accepts everything we hate about ourselves. All our secrets and lies. The love that sets us free as the loving beings we truly are.

I want to love like that. But just being aware of this imbalance in myself didn't make me feel this love. Why?

This is my journey. I am this journey. We are not our story.

Maybe I am getting closer. I must embrace myself first. I must love myself enough.

Love always,
Connie