November 18, 2011
Something is changing. It is about honesty and being truthful.
Everyday I feel how being truthful is becoming more and more important to me. The pleaser in me is fading. It is as if pretending doesn't suit me anymore. As if fear is not that dominant anymore. Feelings seems like the only truth to follow - I can trust my feelings.
These days I cry everytime I pray and talk to God. Yesterday I cried for almost an hour, telling Him about my desire to know Him, asking Him to show me my way to do that? There were answers, but I was not sure if these answers were just my imagination.
He told me, that to know Him, I must know my own heart and soul. By that I will get to know Him.
Trust was another way to God. To trust the perfect order of everything.
Both sounds meaningful to me. If God did create my soul, getting to know my own heart and soul will take me to God. Sitting here everyday is a way to get to know my own soul. Trying to write down my feelings and reflections without too much interference. When I sit here I feel alive, I feel nourished.
It becomes difficult when I go out into the world. I feel overwhelmed and sometimes also really sad. I am sometimes not sure I want to be part of this world. I want to make it a better place and know I must make peace with myself to do this.
Yesterday I asked God for help to bring people into my life with whom I can share my feelings, my doubts and longing.
I am on day Five of The Akashic Construct Exercises. It is a training to reach deep alpha and it has an impact on me. I feel closer to my soul. I also experience dizziness and nausea. It is interesting that less than ten minutes with this exercise causes such an effect.
At the moment I am reading two books: Geoff Cutlers book "Is reincarnation an illusion" and Joseph Babinsky's "The Choice". Actually my way to Geoffs' site "A Spiritual Journey" and My Great Experiement was via Joseph Babinsky. All things works in mysterious ways. I want to share how it worked for me, because I feel this is a wonderful example of Divine Guidance.
A few months ago I was recommended by a friend to take a look at A.J. Millers site about Divine Truth and started to watch his videos on YouTube. It didn't really interest me whether A.J. Miller was Jesus reincarnated or not, but it was my first experience with the Divine Love and the Praying for Divine Love and it touched me deeply. What I didn't feel very comfortable about was the need to experience all my past sins and faults and oppressed feelings to actually be able to receive Divine Love. I was told it was because of my unwillingness to feel deep into the core of these emotions. Honestly, It made me a little suspicous. Because given our Creator is loving and loves all His children, it didn't make sense. Many of us had a really challenging life, did God really want us to go through all these horrible feelings once again to feel His Divine Love? I had another problem too. I couldn't pray because I didn't believe in God. I felt completely stucked - I was unwilling to feel my unpleasent emotions - and I couldn't pray. Where did that leave me? Well, outside of Gods love apparently. Lost. Doomed.
At the Divine Truth site there was a specific part I was constantly drawn to. The part where other ressources was listed. Here I found a link to The Padgett Messages. After reading some of the messages I felt such a relief. Coming back to the Divine Truth site I realized that a man called Joseph Babinsky had done a lot of work to compile these messages. There was a picture of this man with A.J. Miller and a note saying: "Joseph Babinsky has asked to be removed from the site". This was very interesting and made me very curious.
Searching for more information on Joseph Babinsky brought me to "A Spiritual Journey" with the note on the front page: "If you arrived here, seeking information about A.J. Miller, please read this link". I read the link and just knew I had found the right place - finally.
This is how "My Great Experiment" started. An experiment with Prayer.
It sounded simple just to pray. At first. Maybe too good to be true? I had in a way lived "The A.J. Miller" - way, and it has actually brought me somewhere. Having oppressed my feelings during most of my life trying not to be seen, not to harm anyone, not to attract attention, it was really a great relief to begin feeling my emotions and expressing myself as it happened about ten years ago. To acknowledge feelings as a true source and a way to touch my own soul.
So - apparenly just by praying all my sins would be washed away. I would feel happy and no longer bounded to my past actions and emotions. Simple and easy.
But - if you want to feel this Divine Love, your Prayer must be honest and sincere. You must pray from the deepest of your heart, you must pray from your soul. And you can only do that if you believe God exists...
This was a great hurdle. I didn't believe in God, I never met him. I have only met other peoples different versions of God that I didn't like. Every religion, spiritual Path I have ever met wasn't really loving after all. There was always something that just didn't feel right.
So why keep on searching? Why not just accept that what you see is what you get? Why this endless longing?
This longing is telling me something. This longing is telling me that there is a place of belonging. A longing of being united by heart.
My hope and my longing keeps me moving on.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
I trust the inner feeling
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