November 10, 2011
I didn't write yesterday and only did the Prayer once in the morning.
I had doubts and was feeling out of touch with my feelings and I didn't feel God near me. So it was very easy to get distracted and busy with earthly stuff.
I became doubtful about the direction my life is taking and about day-to-day matters like job and kids.
Sometimes I feel guided and I know I can trust my feelings. But sometimes I suddenly become afraid that following my heart is not the right thing. Or maybe I am just not sure what my heart is telling me? I guess I am sometimes afraid of the consequenses of the feelings in my heart and the difficulties in following what it tells me.
Must be that I don't trust. Because deep in my heart I know that I am supported, and choices taken from my heart are choices that will be supported, and I will be taken care of.
My life has become a really emotional life. I feel more and more close to my feelings and I find it difficult not to be honest about everything, especially how I feel. My emotions controls my life! It feels good because if feels like this is the real "me" and feelings and emotions are the key to my happy life. At the same time it is difficult in this world. Not many people take emotions seriously and most people do not find decisions based on emotions wise. But following your emotions, your heart is very wise - it feels true.
Being with friends can also be challenging. I want to meet them from my heart and talk about what is REALLY going on in their lives - I mean, how do they REALLY feel about their lives? But I often get disappointed, because that is not the kind of meeting most of my friends want.
I want to be with people who is truly interested in how I feel. People who will not give me advices to fix me or my life. Who listens to what I really want from my heart, even when it is not desirable or rational from their own point of view. I want people who wants the best for me when it comes to fulfill my souls longing.
Then I must admit that I am not honest with them. I am a pretender. I try to hold on to an old version of myself. I haven't told them about God. About My Great Experiment. No one I know believes in any version of God. Some of them can accept some kind of Universal Love and Guidance. An energy of Love, but not a real God, an entity you can have a relationship with. A creator of our souls and All that Is. It is also very difficult for me, but I feel I have come to a place, where I know this is True, but still need proofs. There are doubts still. A lot.
I no longer judge myself for not trusting and believing. I feel it is okay to take my time to develop my relationship with God. And the doubt is a part of my searching and also one of the things that keeps me Praying and Asking. We all have our Way.
I cannot explain why I want to know God and why I want to find out for myself IF He exists. I can talk about my longing, and people who know me well, know that I have had this longing for all my life. This longing has nothing to do with the "real" world or anything in it. Yes, I do want human love in my life, I really do, and it is really important for me to develop my capacities with this. And yes, I really appreciate all I got, my home, my family, living in a safe spot on earth. But all this does not make me REALLY happy.
Am I ungrateful then? I often feel that. Why am I not just happy with what I got? It is true, that I have everything, and much, much more than many other humans of this world. I am blessed. Am I being ungrateful to want more?
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day Five
November 8, 2011
Doing my evening Prayer yesterday immediately made me burst into tears. As soon as my intention was set on contacting God, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. It is a feeling of surrender and being really close to my heart and soul. From this place it is easy to talk to God. I cry my heart out to Him.
I feel there is nothing I cannot tell, no feelings He cannot understand. I feel loved no matter my imperfections, no matter all the times during the day where I haven't been the loving human I want to be. And this is very often. Meeting people and situations every day with my best intentions, but so many times I end up feeling very disappointed with myself.
I find it very hard. Every time I have been in such a situation I ask myself, what is it inside me, that triggers these emotions and reactions??
I very often go into my mind in these situations. I want to stay in my heart and act from there, but this "why" comes up, which is actually my mind wanting to take control. Out of fear of feeling my emotions. Rather than asking "why" it would be helpful to ask "what".
I often feel I am very different from other people. But I have always tried to fit in, to please everybody. I always felt wrong, that I needed to change, because obviously everybody else felt differently, so it seems that I belong to a minority.
Now it has been some years since I started to realize that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And for me to find my happiness I must just acknowlegde my emotions and stay true to my feelings. Until then I had desperately tried to change the way I felt and let my mind take control, leaving me very unhappy and depressed.
Spending many hours everyday in my own company has step by step made it possible for me to get to know my heart and making decisions according to my heart.
I love spending time alone but I do miss the company of others. I love to feel deeply connected to other people. I love the feeling of acceptance, curiousity, hearfelt interest between people. It is just not very often I have such meetings. And I get disappointed with myself for not being able to create such a meeting heart to heart. Often I find it easier to be by myself, but still I really long for company. I am not an island.
Yesterday I received "The Akashic Construct CD". This also starts out as a three weeks process, during which I will learn to contact my Spiritual Guides. I will write about my progress with this connection as well when time comes.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Doing my evening Prayer yesterday immediately made me burst into tears. As soon as my intention was set on contacting God, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. It is a feeling of surrender and being really close to my heart and soul. From this place it is easy to talk to God. I cry my heart out to Him.
I feel there is nothing I cannot tell, no feelings He cannot understand. I feel loved no matter my imperfections, no matter all the times during the day where I haven't been the loving human I want to be. And this is very often. Meeting people and situations every day with my best intentions, but so many times I end up feeling very disappointed with myself.
I find it very hard. Every time I have been in such a situation I ask myself, what is it inside me, that triggers these emotions and reactions??
I very often go into my mind in these situations. I want to stay in my heart and act from there, but this "why" comes up, which is actually my mind wanting to take control. Out of fear of feeling my emotions. Rather than asking "why" it would be helpful to ask "what".
I often feel I am very different from other people. But I have always tried to fit in, to please everybody. I always felt wrong, that I needed to change, because obviously everybody else felt differently, so it seems that I belong to a minority.
Now it has been some years since I started to realize that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And for me to find my happiness I must just acknowlegde my emotions and stay true to my feelings. Until then I had desperately tried to change the way I felt and let my mind take control, leaving me very unhappy and depressed.
Spending many hours everyday in my own company has step by step made it possible for me to get to know my heart and making decisions according to my heart.
I love spending time alone but I do miss the company of others. I love to feel deeply connected to other people. I love the feeling of acceptance, curiousity, hearfelt interest between people. It is just not very often I have such meetings. And I get disappointed with myself for not being able to create such a meeting heart to heart. Often I find it easier to be by myself, but still I really long for company. I am not an island.
Yesterday I received "The Akashic Construct CD". This also starts out as a three weeks process, during which I will learn to contact my Spiritual Guides. I will write about my progress with this connection as well when time comes.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day Four
November 7, 2011
Yesterday I created this blot about My Great Experiment. I got the sitting by a beautiful lake with a cup of tea and immediately got excited about it and began forming the content of such a blog in my head.
When I actually created the blog and started writing my thoughts and feelings from my Journal, many different feelings came up. I have already journaled for three days and I wanted my blog to reflect my journey and consist of my daily writings and preparations for Prayer.
I discovered doing this is very personal and emotional. My relationship wiht God is very private and intimate. Why share this with everyone?
Part of my process is about being honest. Honest to myself about who and what I am. Honest about all my imperfections. Honest about how I am not always the loving human I want to be. Honest about my longing.
Another aspect is to become visible. I have been hiding for too long. I am still hiding and I want to change that. In a way this is also about honesty. To show who I really am.
Some time ago I realized how I was such a great pretender! It was a shock to me to discover how dishonest I was. How being "The good mother - wife - women - you name it" was so important to me.
Changing what feels dishonest begins with the awareness. Then comes self responsibility. Where am I not being honest and why? What am I afraid of?
This blog is my day-to-day reflections during My Great Experiment. It will consist of my writings about emotions, discoveries, doubts. It will develop in its own way. I do not know where it will take me.
About Praying
Today I just asked God to let me feel the inflowing of Divine Love, insted of just saying the Prayer Perfect. I immediately felt loved, and tears started running. I asked God to help me with a personal matter, and I ended this Prayer by thanking God, and telling how grateful I am for everything in my life.
It was a very emotional experience and maybe this instant feeling of love and support, and the immediate contact with my feelings was a result of Divine Love flowing into my soul?
Doing the Prayer Perfect may serve very well. It is a beautiful Prayer. For me it is difficult because I am not used to Praying and I am not familiar with this. But developing a personal relationship with God is - personal, and just by talking to God in your own words from your heart and soul could be the beginning of this relationship.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Yesterday I created this blot about My Great Experiment. I got the sitting by a beautiful lake with a cup of tea and immediately got excited about it and began forming the content of such a blog in my head.
When I actually created the blog and started writing my thoughts and feelings from my Journal, many different feelings came up. I have already journaled for three days and I wanted my blog to reflect my journey and consist of my daily writings and preparations for Prayer.
I discovered doing this is very personal and emotional. My relationship wiht God is very private and intimate. Why share this with everyone?
Part of my process is about being honest. Honest to myself about who and what I am. Honest about all my imperfections. Honest about how I am not always the loving human I want to be. Honest about my longing.
Another aspect is to become visible. I have been hiding for too long. I am still hiding and I want to change that. In a way this is also about honesty. To show who I really am.
Some time ago I realized how I was such a great pretender! It was a shock to me to discover how dishonest I was. How being "The good mother - wife - women - you name it" was so important to me.
Changing what feels dishonest begins with the awareness. Then comes self responsibility. Where am I not being honest and why? What am I afraid of?
This blog is my day-to-day reflections during My Great Experiment. It will consist of my writings about emotions, discoveries, doubts. It will develop in its own way. I do not know where it will take me.
About Praying
Today I just asked God to let me feel the inflowing of Divine Love, insted of just saying the Prayer Perfect. I immediately felt loved, and tears started running. I asked God to help me with a personal matter, and I ended this Prayer by thanking God, and telling how grateful I am for everything in my life.
It was a very emotional experience and maybe this instant feeling of love and support, and the immediate contact with my feelings was a result of Divine Love flowing into my soul?
Doing the Prayer Perfect may serve very well. It is a beautiful Prayer. For me it is difficult because I am not used to Praying and I am not familiar with this. But developing a personal relationship with God is - personal, and just by talking to God in your own words from your heart and soul could be the beginning of this relationship.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Day Three
November 6, 2011
I had a wonderful trip into the woods yesterday, and I got this idea, that I felt quite excited about: To create a blog about my Great Experiment and my journet to God. An honest description of my life and how my decision of tryin this experiment will unfold. You see, God, I have great expectations and I am convinced I will feel Your Divine Love within the next three weeks.
You know my desire for Your Love is my first priority at the moment. I have dedicated my heart and soul to this.
At the same time - and that is not in contrast with this desire - I will develop my way of loving All That Is. I have this feeling that it is of great importance for me to really LOVE. By LOVE I mean the deepest feeling, with no attachments and conditions. I cannot explain why this is so important, but the feeling inside me of "error" when I do not Love is urging me to find all those times where there are not Love.
You know that it happens many, many times each day. That I am far from perfect in this way. But then, You also know that Earth is a difficult place to live. We humans are not very loving and often I really feel I just want to be by myself. When I am with humans I often get sad and frustrated. Which only reminds me of all those places inside myself where there is a lack of Love.
I have been judging a lot. Myself and others - and that is not loving. There are many, many ways in which I am not loving.
These are the ways I will try to walk. When there is judgment, fear or anything that is not Love, I will search inside myself. I will always try to act in the most loving way I am capable of in that very moment.
I know I will often fail. But it is my desire to walk the Path of Love. With you help and Your Divine Love it might be possible.
I will take small steps. I will be gentle with myself. I will forgive myself when I am not loving, knowing my intentions are honest. I will be responsible for my feelings and actions. I will always try to be aware of my contribution to an unloving situation.
That is my Promise. Now I ask for Your Divine Love to help me fulfill my Promise.
Love Always,
Your Child Connie
I had a wonderful trip into the woods yesterday, and I got this idea, that I felt quite excited about: To create a blog about my Great Experiment and my journet to God. An honest description of my life and how my decision of tryin this experiment will unfold. You see, God, I have great expectations and I am convinced I will feel Your Divine Love within the next three weeks.
You know my desire for Your Love is my first priority at the moment. I have dedicated my heart and soul to this.
At the same time - and that is not in contrast with this desire - I will develop my way of loving All That Is. I have this feeling that it is of great importance for me to really LOVE. By LOVE I mean the deepest feeling, with no attachments and conditions. I cannot explain why this is so important, but the feeling inside me of "error" when I do not Love is urging me to find all those times where there are not Love.
You know that it happens many, many times each day. That I am far from perfect in this way. But then, You also know that Earth is a difficult place to live. We humans are not very loving and often I really feel I just want to be by myself. When I am with humans I often get sad and frustrated. Which only reminds me of all those places inside myself where there is a lack of Love.
I have been judging a lot. Myself and others - and that is not loving. There are many, many ways in which I am not loving.
These are the ways I will try to walk. When there is judgment, fear or anything that is not Love, I will search inside myself. I will always try to act in the most loving way I am capable of in that very moment.
I know I will often fail. But it is my desire to walk the Path of Love. With you help and Your Divine Love it might be possible.
I will take small steps. I will be gentle with myself. I will forgive myself when I am not loving, knowing my intentions are honest. I will be responsible for my feelings and actions. I will always try to be aware of my contribution to an unloving situation.
That is my Promise. Now I ask for Your Divine Love to help me fulfill my Promise.
Love Always,
Your Child Connie
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Day Two
My heart cries for Your Love. I know that feeling Your Divine Love will wash my sins away. I know I haven't always been truthful and honest, and I have harmed people I love. I didn't know better and did only what I could. Had I only known that there is a much greater Love than Human Love and allowed that Love to enter my Heart and Soul.
I always wanted to Love and comfort others. My first experience was in my mothers womb, where I really felt her fear and unhappiness. I immediately tried to comfort her, but she couldn't feel me. This continued after my birth, with my mother and family and with many other people. I wasn't loving enough towards myself, and ended up in guilt, depression and self hatred. I couldn't feel myself and my emotions anymore.
Being in that place it is difficult to trust that there is a God, who actually cares. You must then learn to feel your emotions again, and to forgive yourself and others. Taking responsibility. Ask for help.
Praying or asking for Gods Divine Love to flow into me is also asking for help. Asking for help has always been difficult for me, which might explain why it has taken me quite a long time to develop my relationship with God. But then everything comes in right time.
Now there is this Desire to know God. To make friends with God. To have my own personal relationship with God. Noone can do it for me. I have found great help and support in different teachers and teachings. Many wonderful healers have helped me release old wounds and emotions. But ultimately it is between me and God.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
I always wanted to Love and comfort others. My first experience was in my mothers womb, where I really felt her fear and unhappiness. I immediately tried to comfort her, but she couldn't feel me. This continued after my birth, with my mother and family and with many other people. I wasn't loving enough towards myself, and ended up in guilt, depression and self hatred. I couldn't feel myself and my emotions anymore.
Being in that place it is difficult to trust that there is a God, who actually cares. You must then learn to feel your emotions again, and to forgive yourself and others. Taking responsibility. Ask for help.
Praying or asking for Gods Divine Love to flow into me is also asking for help. Asking for help has always been difficult for me, which might explain why it has taken me quite a long time to develop my relationship with God. But then everything comes in right time.
Now there is this Desire to know God. To make friends with God. To have my own personal relationship with God. Noone can do it for me. I have found great help and support in different teachers and teachings. Many wonderful healers have helped me release old wounds and emotions. But ultimately it is between me and God.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Day One
I know You know this is difficult for me. I would like to know You and receive Your Love and Guidance and the Guidance from My Angels.
At the beginning I did not feel worthy of Your Love or felt so terrible that I did not feel You in my life. Also I haven't been familiar with You and with Praying.
I know now that when I do not feel You and Your Love for me, it is only because I somehow cannot let it flow into me. So I would ask You to help me with this. I have the desire deep inside, this longing. I have always felt this longing, but until most recently have directed this longing towards the material world and to other humans. But I realize now that no thing and no human will fulfill this longing.
Maybe You could? When I say "maybe" it is not ignorance, it is just that it is very difficult for me to Trust and have Faith in You. So maybe You could help me with this also?
Praying seems to be really important to feel You and receive Your Love. Praying is not common to me. I have tried a few times, but it really feels strange and dishonest. I haven't been able to Pray with all my Heart.
Would You help me and show me a way to do that?
I hope it is okay if I just start by talking to You, and maybe I will try Praying from time to time. I hope You will forgive me, if my Prayer doesn't sound truly heartful - that will be my feeling of unworthiness and doubt. That is something I really want to heal in myself.
I know you are here for me, even if I cannot feel Divine Love! I guess it will come with practise.
I want also to talk to You about Passions and Desires. I want Passion and Desire to guide my way, so I may live a life in Joy. But I don't really feel that in my life. Do You have a plan for me? Did You create my Soul and if You did, did You also give me my Passions and Desires?
It is not that I leave it up to You to make me happy. I know I am responsible for my life, my development and my journey towards You, but I need Your Help and Guidance since I lost my way.
I do this with humility. I do this with self responsibility, knowing that I have my free will. I just really want to feel, what I want. Could You please help me with this?
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
At the beginning I did not feel worthy of Your Love or felt so terrible that I did not feel You in my life. Also I haven't been familiar with You and with Praying.
I know now that when I do not feel You and Your Love for me, it is only because I somehow cannot let it flow into me. So I would ask You to help me with this. I have the desire deep inside, this longing. I have always felt this longing, but until most recently have directed this longing towards the material world and to other humans. But I realize now that no thing and no human will fulfill this longing.
Maybe You could? When I say "maybe" it is not ignorance, it is just that it is very difficult for me to Trust and have Faith in You. So maybe You could help me with this also?
Praying seems to be really important to feel You and receive Your Love. Praying is not common to me. I have tried a few times, but it really feels strange and dishonest. I haven't been able to Pray with all my Heart.
Would You help me and show me a way to do that?
I hope it is okay if I just start by talking to You, and maybe I will try Praying from time to time. I hope You will forgive me, if my Prayer doesn't sound truly heartful - that will be my feeling of unworthiness and doubt. That is something I really want to heal in myself.
I know you are here for me, even if I cannot feel Divine Love! I guess it will come with practise.
I want also to talk to You about Passions and Desires. I want Passion and Desire to guide my way, so I may live a life in Joy. But I don't really feel that in my life. Do You have a plan for me? Did You create my Soul and if You did, did You also give me my Passions and Desires?
It is not that I leave it up to You to make me happy. I know I am responsible for my life, my development and my journey towards You, but I need Your Help and Guidance since I lost my way.
I do this with humility. I do this with self responsibility, knowing that I have my free will. I just really want to feel, what I want. Could You please help me with this?
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Introduction
What is this Blog really about?
This is my journal about my three weeks experiment with Praying for Gods Divine Love. I decided to keep a journal, telling about my experiences along the way and hopefully one day I can say, that I actually FELT Gods Divine Love.
Every day in the morning I sit down, close my eyes and focus on a place deep inside, my heart, my soul. I feel a bit tensed, since I know that I am soon beginning to Pray, and this is new and odd to my mind, so I need a little time to settle into this. I start by breathing deeply, which immediately brings me into my body. Then I take my journal. A beautiful book, since that is important to me. And I start writing. I write for about half an hour. I write about everything that comes to me, and it is my preparation for Prayer.
My posts are these writings - my conversations with God you might say. I feel He is listening. One day I might be able to hear Him speak to me.
After my writing I Pray the Divine Love Prayer. I say this Prayer from my heart, as truthfully as I possibly can. Sometimes there are doubts along the way, and sometimes my mind slips in, asking me what I am doing? I answer respectfully by continuing my Prayer. And sometimes I feel really, really soft inside. I give thanks to this feeling of softness. I feel this softness must be Love flowing into my Heart.
You are most welcome to follow me journey through my "Great Experiment". You might even want to try for yourself. Your comments, thoughts and feelings are most welcome.
I wish to express my love and gratitude to Geoff from A Spiritual Journey. On his website I found so much interesting stuff, reviews of books, many of them for free download, messages, links to other sites. This is where I found the "Great Experiment". Geoff also answers my questions, which I really appreciate, because my beliefs about many aspects of life here and beyond are being challenged.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
This is my journal about my three weeks experiment with Praying for Gods Divine Love. I decided to keep a journal, telling about my experiences along the way and hopefully one day I can say, that I actually FELT Gods Divine Love.
Every day in the morning I sit down, close my eyes and focus on a place deep inside, my heart, my soul. I feel a bit tensed, since I know that I am soon beginning to Pray, and this is new and odd to my mind, so I need a little time to settle into this. I start by breathing deeply, which immediately brings me into my body. Then I take my journal. A beautiful book, since that is important to me. And I start writing. I write for about half an hour. I write about everything that comes to me, and it is my preparation for Prayer.
My posts are these writings - my conversations with God you might say. I feel He is listening. One day I might be able to hear Him speak to me.
After my writing I Pray the Divine Love Prayer. I say this Prayer from my heart, as truthfully as I possibly can. Sometimes there are doubts along the way, and sometimes my mind slips in, asking me what I am doing? I answer respectfully by continuing my Prayer. And sometimes I feel really, really soft inside. I give thanks to this feeling of softness. I feel this softness must be Love flowing into my Heart.
You are most welcome to follow me journey through my "Great Experiment". You might even want to try for yourself. Your comments, thoughts and feelings are most welcome.
I wish to express my love and gratitude to Geoff from A Spiritual Journey. On his website I found so much interesting stuff, reviews of books, many of them for free download, messages, links to other sites. This is where I found the "Great Experiment". Geoff also answers my questions, which I really appreciate, because my beliefs about many aspects of life here and beyond are being challenged.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)