Day Eight

November 13, 2011

For the last days I have been absorbed in daily activities and haven´t taken my time to sit quiet and listen to my heart.

My heart has felt hard and maybe that is because I haven't been praying. I have been angry and frustrated, I have felt alone and lonely, not able to reach out to anyone. I have sad feelings inside, I grief some recent losses. Maybe I have been busying myself out of fear of feeling these losses?

What happens is that I become angry with myself. I feel guilt and shame for not being loving and peaceful. And I act out these feelings on people I love.

At the same time I have had all these thoughts about myself, voices telling me I am crazy to follow my heart and not listen to other peoples advice. I get fears about economy. I fear I might be very lonely when there are old friends I no longer want to spend time with.

And I haven't asked God for help and I haven't been praying. I have been very doubtful that God really exists and that all this praying and longing to know God is just pure escapism. A way of looking for hope when everything and everyone around just feels wrong. When I feel misplaced and feeling no meaning to anything.

It is like someone is sitting on my heart, making it very difficult to breathe. And I cannot even ask for help. Maybe it is a feeling of unworthiness, blaming myself, feeling guilty, being out of harmony with love. Maybe all this makes it impossible to talk to God? Maybe I really want a sign or something that could convince me that God exists? Maybe I am afraid of such a sign?

I started today to listen to The Akashic Construct Instructions. It is a CD to "Learn How To Contact Your Celestial Guides". The CD contains three different exercises, guided meditations. Every exercise is to be practiced seven days. This is yet another way to become happy and live a more meaningful life. I haven't been able to feel contact to my Celestial Guides and Angels and I feel it would be very helpful to actually feel this contact.

So I am getting to know God and my Guides and Angels.

LOVE ALWAYS,
Connie